Doldrums

rain-1640546_1920

I’ve hit a wall of sorts this week. My excitement levels, tempered as they are, have bottomed out into the pool of cold gel where melancholy awaits. I wish I knew what for. I spent some of the week sitting at my home office, doing my day work wondering what it was all for. Any time I considered spending doing the writing work I wanted to do was obliterated by the feeling that none of it mattered at all. So I spent some time on Twitter which ended up about as productive as you’d imagine. Maybe it was the friends and pseudo-friends on social media who were doing well that turned me into a grump about my current state. I find it frustrating nothing is happening, even if I know why nothing is happening. I don’t do well waiting in lines, queuing for the next spot on life’s ride of potential success and calculated self-destruction. Patience is a lesson I’ve learned, but it’s come out to remind me that nothing lasting comes easy. 

The wind is very blustery here today. I woke up to it whipping through the trees and whistling along the siding of our new house. The view outside is grey, stretching like an unending blanket to cover my brain. Thoughts are hard to have when the weather matches my mood. I stayed up last night and watched the coverage of our bombs landing in Syria. I say our because I paid for them – and if you’re an American reading this – so did you. I thought about the chemical attacks, and the people running in the streets, and all the bloody destruction going on. It’s mindless. Then I thought “What right do we have to run around bombing people?” “What did they do to us to spur us into destroying lives?”

Then the cynic in me takes over and reminds me of all the craptastic things we’ve done to other countries in the past. And then I think about Imperialism and how we’ve become a modern day Rome just waiting for Nero and a fire. The Syrian issue is larger that I can deliver here in one post. I don’t want people being gassed by chemical weapons and I don’t want to bomb countries from afar because no matter how “smart” a weapon system is there will always be collateral damage. Both are bad options and sometimes that’s what life gives you.

I’m not without hope here though, but some days it’s hard to find. I realize how privileged I am to have four working limbs and a great job. I have a bounty of potential sitting in documents in my office, but getting them to that point is a walk through a treacherous forest with minimal light. I’m reminded there are people out there who have challenges I couldn’t imagine dealing with and yet they do. It’s a reminder to me and all of us that no matter how hard our lives get we can and should look for the brightest point.  

The next goal for me is to get something down on paper or screen. I find when I hit the doldrums of life, I need to get back to my base. So I’m here trying to write what’s in my head down in the hopes of expelling it. When you get down and out finding a place where you can ground your mind is important, but not everyone has that. Not everyone is afforded the same peaceful place or a quiet hour or two for this purpose, some are picking through the rubble of their lives in a country we just got done bombing. Consider while you went about your daily life Saturday morning peace was the last thing they could have hoped to find.
Addendum: I had a wonderful idea about a character late last night. I’m going to have some real fun telling her story -at least I think I will. It’s going to be a lot different than what I worked on last time, but I love to change it up and do something different. I have a lot of world building to do though.